How to Relax During Tense Situations

During moments of great stress, it’s hard to pull back and get a proper sense of what’s going on. It’s a sensible reaction too. When you are physically assaulted, for instance, there is no time to consider the situation so it’s sensible to follow your instincts and play by your gut. Whether you fight or run will depend on the logistics and the details of the situation so you let instinct take over and take the plunge.

The reality is, unless you’re unconsciously inviting these events into your life, moments like this will rarely happen. Most of the time, we are put under great stress by things that we can actually detach from for a brief moment and handle more deliberately.

I’ve seen this a lot in the workplace during big deadlines. People obsess over small, messy details and completely miss the big picture. Ever had one of those problems that kept you on your workdesk until 11PM and that you eventually left unresolved only to take one look at it in the morning and you immediately know the solution?

We all can see the huge difference between the first example (having your life physically threatened) and the second one (not meeting a deadline.) One compels you to act or possibly die. The other is simply act or not-meet-a-deadline. One leaves you one obvious intelligent choice. The other leaves you plenty.

So why react the same way?

I believe people often react the same way because they are conditioned to feel a similar amount of stress. For some reason, many people have categorized work deadlines on the same level as life-or-death, causing them to feel the same level of duress during the situation. This is not confined to work either. Some people react similarly during first dates, job interviews, and public speaking, depending on how they have been conditioned over the years.

It’s unfortunate because the bad feelings you get during the experience are highly unnecessary. The stress created by the situation is brought about not by actual extrenous circumstances but only by your own thought processes.

Fortunately, we are conscious beings. While our knee-jerk reactions are often slaves to conditioned instinct, we don’t have to stay the same way. During times of great duress when you suddenly feel yourself slipping into a “flight-or-fight” situation, it’s very useful to train yourself to do the following:

1. Stop what you’re doing

2. Breathe deeply and gain composure

3. Quickly asses the situation (Life-and-Death or not)

4. If yes, act quickly

5. If no, do something fun for 10 minutes, and return to the task afterwards. I usually play a mindless game like EWR or call some friends.

6. If you’re in the middle of a task you can’t leave, like during a negotiation or on stage during a presentation, pause. Don’t pay any attention to what can happen as a result of you pausing (it will usually be minor.) Don’t pay attention to what’s going on. Don’t listen to anything being said. Just pause. If you can, think of something funny like Mickie and Minnie Mouse getting it on. If you can’t, just think of the short pause as a short relaxing break. Keep breathing deeply during the pause. When you feel calmed down, dive right back into what you were doing.